Local electrician Terry Baumgartner has shocked medical professionals and record keepers alike with his middle toe that now measures over 33 feet in length. "At first I thought it was just a weird ingrown toenail situation," explained Baumgartner, whose toe now requires its own dedicated room in his house...
Melissa Thornberry of Seattle was applying sunscreen when she discovered something unusual on the back of her head - a fully functional third eye. "I never have to turn around to see what my kids are doing anymore," says Thornberry, who now enjoys watching cooking shows while simultaneously preparing meals...
Residents of Millfield are adjusting to their new mayor - a five-year-old Golden Retriever named Buddy. The canine candidate was accidentally added to the ballot due to a computer error, but won by a landslide with 73% of votes. "He's actually doing a pretty good job so far," admits town council member Janet Ford...
Herbert Clancy's two-story colonial home in suburban Ohio is disappearing room by room into what experts are calling a "dimensional rift." "First it was just the pantry, but now the entire kitchen is gone," says Clancy, who has been eating takeout since March. Local physicists are baffled by the phenomenon...
In a groundbreaking study, botanists at Cornell University have discovered that plants emit high-frequency screams, but exclusively about philosophical concerns. "They're mostly worried about the meaning of life and whether photosynthesis is truly fulfilling," explains lead researcher Dr. Natalie Summers...
Accountant Greg Peterson has been unable to escape the watchful gaze of a cloud formation bearing an uncanny resemblance to actor Danny DeVito. "It started when I was on vacation in Florida and somehow followed me all the way back to Minnesota," says Peterson, who has received offers from meteorologists to study the phenomenon...
After decades of denial, transportation officials have finally acknowledged that the nation's traffic light system is entirely operated by specially trained squirrels. "They work in shifts and receive payment in premium nuts," confirmed Transportation Secretary Malcolm Reynolds at a press conference yesterday...